hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
