remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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