So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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