so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
