My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
someone owes me an orgasm
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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