i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
