theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
