Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
