hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
