I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
