So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
