She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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