before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
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Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
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My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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