Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
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My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
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We should try to put a bagel on your penis
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa