He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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