I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
