The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
