Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
