i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
