if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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