worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
