Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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