I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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