Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
