I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
