Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
