My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
