Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Drunk is not a location!
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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