He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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