if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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