I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
