Swine flu is the new snow day.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
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