I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
