I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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