I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
