three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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