6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I don't deserve a penis
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
