I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
