Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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