Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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