I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
