You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
