I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
