Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
the day after is always just damage control
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
