so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
