Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
