there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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