Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
