I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
