Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
