Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
