Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
