I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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