You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I want her autograph on my taint
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
