literally had 100 drinks last night.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
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you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
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New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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