just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
