if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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