I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
