i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
